Strong Emotion

Last week I was anxious. I often noticed butterflies in my stomach or even nausea when I thought about the impending concert of the Pacific Mozart Ensemble. One of my volunteer activities with that group is to be the House Manager for the concerts. I oversee everything about the concert except the music: lights, recording equipment, box office, number of chairs, temperature of the room – everything.  Usually, I have a pretty good handle on the job.  After more than 25 concerts, I’ve handled all kinds of logistics from a complete orchestra with a 50 member chorus to gala events with catered food and champagne.

So what was bothering me last week?  Jim helped me explore by asking me if all the technical aspects were handled. He’s a clever guy, that Jim, because the technical aspects were not handled and there wasn’t anything I could do about it either, hence – anxiety. That answer satisfied my brain awhile, but then the anxiety crept back in. Eventually, all the logistics were handled and there was nothing left to do but sit and listen to the concert. Everything was running smoothly. The slideshow moved along automatically, the various recording devices were functioning, the narrator was lit, the late guests were seated, and the house was sold out. I had nothing to be anxious about. That’s when I got in touch with the strong emotion I had been keeping at bay.

It was a concert of spirituals with photos of slavery. What I felt in the middle of the concert was what I had tapped into months ago when I listened to the first rehearsal. It was deep sorrow that anyone could wreak cruelty on other beings. I feel the same way when I think of the American Indians or those who experienced the Holocaust or other genocides. The anxiety I felt before the concert was a fear of the sadness I was wanting not to feel. How does one deal with such strong emotion? Wise people say the best way is to feel the emotion fully. When all my work was done and I had nothing else to worry about, I began to feel.   

The sadness was quickly replaced by hope that was spawned by a note in the program: The music of slaves was full of sorrow, hope, longing, even joy, but was not about anger or retaliation. It’s almost unfathomable that anyone could respond to cruelty with such beautiful music. There was some sort of wonderful Spirit in those singers. No wonder the songs are called Spirituals!

Lesson of the Week

I learned a valuable lesson last week. I learned to look beyond the present emotion to what might be lying beneath. In this case, the sequence of emotions was perfect. When I uncovered anxiety and found sorrow, I was in exactly the right place and time to discover hope.  To be honest, I felt satisfaction in just recognizing that I was anxious. It is so easy for me to stay in my head and feel nothing at all, so that recognizing anxiety was a positive step. I hope that one of these days, my feelings will be automatically apparent to me. In the meanwhile, I know how to discover what I feel by taking a deep breath and scanning my body for sensation. Fear resides in the belly, sadness in the chest, anger shows up in the shoulders, neck, and jaw, and joy bubbles up the center to fill every nook and cranny.

© 2006, Jacqueline Hale

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