Author Archive

When to Stop

October 12, 2007 by jacquie.

Back when I was a kid, we lived on a lake where we often wrestled on a big inner tube. We’d try to stand on it, with little success or we’d play King of the Mountain. Such activities mean falling into the water—a lot. It was fun. We were kids. We had unlimited energy. Some fifty years later, energy is considerably more limited. How many times do I fall in the water before I realize that I’m just too tired to keep climbing back on that unstable surface, regardless of how much I enjoy the splashing around? When do I recognize that I’m too tired to try again?

Of course, I’m not talking about inner tubes, but possibly I am talking about playing King of the Mountain. I’m talking about the desire to accomplish something, only to experience more splashing than success. When is it sensible to stop trying? When does one simply stop? Surely when you are out of energy, you stop, but maybe it’s wise to stop sooner.

Jim and I have been facing financial reality ever since Jim retired last December. We have a good plan and the resources to live our current lifestyle until we’re 100. One hundred seems like a comfortable cushion. Basically, our plan is working – with one exception. Marketing expenses are playing havoc with our ability to live within our monthly money allotment. In a follow-up meeting with our financial planner, we recognized that if we just stopped spending money on marketing, we’d be in fat city!

Jim markets his music group and I market my coaching business. We know that you often have to spend money to make money. The question we’re asking right now is this: when do we stop marketing and just live with what we’ve got? What does stopping marketing mean in the grand scheme of things? Here are a few questions we’re asking ourselves about what we’re marketing:

  • Is it fun right now?
  • Is it likely to be fun in the future?
  • Who would be affected if I eased myself out of what I’ve been doing? How?
  • If my every dream came true about what I am marketing, would I be happier than I am now?
  • Would individuals be different? Would the world be different?
  • If I didn’t have these commitments, what might I accomplish instead?

You know, those questions are rather enlightening. I think they are good to ask about any project I engage in, whether it’s marketing my coaching business or weeding the garden. The most intriguing question for me is the last one. What might I accomplish if I put my energy somewhere else? I believe it’s always good to evaluate the direction I am going. It’s time to stop when what I’m doing isn’t what I want to be doing. It’s always good to ask.

©2007, Jacqueline Hale

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Hot and Bothered: Hope for Peri-menopausal Women

September 17, 2007 by jacquie.

This article is for women of a certain age and the men who interact with them. When I became a guide for Women’s Issues for Self Growth, I realized I had a lot to say about things that concern women, particularly as a voice of hope. I’ve learned that menopause is something to look forward to, and that the symptoms of PMS and peri-menopause can be your best friend because they will guide you to find your best life! Pretty outrageous, isn’t it?

Before I justify that last statement, let me talk about being hot and bothered. Twenty years ago, I was in a conference with my bosses and the owners of the company where I was the Manager of Instructional Design. I was mad. I was furious! I was told to instruct the writers who worked for me that they must be in the office by 9AM. Period.

It wasn’t that simple. One writer had a daughter who needed to get to school at 9 and the other was a night owl who wasn’t functional until noon. I couldn’t make my boss understand that we would lose a great writer and decrease productivity by being so arbitrary. I was totally ineffectual in my argument and that made my fatal flaw kick in—I don’t deal well with authority figures.

There I sat all buttoned up in my business suit, looking quite professional and play acting like I knew what I was doing! Mostly what I felt was sweat accumulating in pools that burst through my starched blouse in great blotches. All I really could think of was wanting to get out of that office before I ripped my clothes off from the heat.

Hot flashes are triggered by many things; anger was the top cause for me, and for many women. When I looked at what was going on, I realized that I couldn’t stay in that managerial position and have any stability emotionally. I wasn’t cut out to be a manager, at least not under someone who has little common sense. I didn’t think about the ultimate result at the time, but when I quit that job, my hot flashes ended. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Notice what I wrote I was thinking at the end of the last paragraph. It’s amazing how often expressions about symptoms can indicate the exact remedy needed. In this case, I needed to get out of the office – permanently.

In the years since, I have come to believe that the symptoms of PMS and peri-menopause are really a wakeup call to look more closely at your life. I first became aware of this idea from Dr. Christiane Northrup, MD who writes and speaks eloquently on women’s health and particularly the role of hormones and their effects on all aspects of our health: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. When I decided to look more deeply at what I wanted in my life, and walked away from the pressure cooker I was in, I found the perfect career. I became a free-lance technical writer. I got to be creative, I only had to manage myself, I worked at home, and I generally slipped in and out of companies without much interaction with authority figures. My challenge with authority figures is the topic for other articles, but believe me, it kept appearing until I dealt with it. At least I hope I’ve dealt with it!

Eventually, I had a few more insights about hot flashes. I never really had an all-out, blast-from-hell again, but I did notice something very useful. Again, this is confirmed by Christiane Northrup. When I felt a heat surge, I’d pay attention to my intuition and invariably I would discover an amazing insight. Usually this would happen when I was doing acupressure or coaching someone. (Yes, yes. I’ve had a variety of careers!) Dr. Northrup contents that as your estrogen decreases, your intuition increases. Now there’s a hopeful result of menopause and the reason we are called Wise Women!

Even now, when I feel unexpectedly warm, I think, “Incoming!” and sure enough, an insightful message arrives. When I check it out with my client, it is almost always right on the mark and he or she is amazed. I am forever grateful for this gift and I am delighted to share it with you!

(c) 2007, Jacqueline Hale

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My Greatest Promise

September 7, 2007 by jacquie.

Almost 30 years ago, I decided to leave my husband of 14 years and discover who I was in the bigger world. Since I was aware of the tremendous upheaval my decision caused my daughters, I promised them that I would be an extraordinary role model of a woman. I realized that I had to have a damn good reason to make such a horrendous change in all of our lives, and being an extraordinary woman seemed to have the appropriate magnitude. Of course, Penny and Kelly didn’t hear this silent promise, for indeed, it was a promise to me! It is a promise I’ve kept.

Being an extraordinary woman is filled with awesome responsibility – the ability to respond to whatever I encounter. I needed to know who I am and what I value and then take a stand to live my life with integrity. What a tremendous learning process! I learned about self esteem and generosity. I learned about commitment and completion. And since I made mistakes along the way, I learned humility and forgiveness. It has been a remarkable journey.

I don’t like to think what would have happened if I had not kept that promise. I am certain I wouldn’t have the sense of contentment and fulfillment I have now. I know that promise is the most important promise I’ve ever made, and the striving to keep that promise created the environment for my daughters and me to have extraordinary relationships. Keeping that promise has set the course of my life and I am delighted to be now here rather than to be no where.

©2007, Jacqueline Hale

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Division of Labor

September 7, 2007 by jacquie.

Who does the keeping of your house? If you are a woman, most likely you do. Of course, if you live alone, whether male or female, you’re it, bummer! Women who share their living space with a man tend to take on most, if not all of the responsibility for caring for the house.

I’ve coached hundreds of women, and I can think of only one whose husband takes on the lion’s share of the tasks of cleaning, laundry, and shopping for and preparing food. Many women accept the responsibility for it all, and maybe even take on the yard and car maintenance, even though their work day is as long and arduous as the male’s in the household. For many women, the “job” is the care and nurture of children, which has greater responsibility and stress than many CEOs experience day-to-day. For some societal reason, the mom who stays at home is expected to keep the house—all of it! And the working mom—oh my goodness, she never gets to sleep unless her husband/partner pitches in!

How did we women end up responsible for the upkeep of the house? Probably even the cave woman got fed up with bat guano in the sleeping area long before her caveman husband even noticed it. Yup. That’s how we got ourselves into this mess. The person who cares the most does the job. That’s the default. When company is coming, I’m the one who notices the scum in the bathroom sink, so I’m the one who does the quick swipe of all the bathroom fixtures, which makes me happy and doesn’t freak out our guests.

That’s how it goes. The guy gets the car details and yard duty and the gal gets everything else. Is it fair? Maybe, maybe not. It means that meals must be planned and prepped every day. That’s a constant, sometimes burdensome, responsibility. That can be a big obligation, especially in families where eating habits are quite diverse. On the flip side, though, in snowy areas, it’s the guy who gets to wrestle with shovels and blowers and puts himself in harm’s way, heart attack-wise.

Whatever the division of labor, it is what it is. The question is this: how long has it been since the members of your household had a friendly discussion about who does what and how they feel about it? Here are some things to consider:

·         What needs to be done? Make a list, including the occasional or once-a-season tasks.

·         Who is responsible for each task? (You may find that no one is responsible which is why those old cans of paint never get recycled to the toxic dump!)

·         How does the task mistress or master feel about the task? Rate each one on a scale of 1 to 4.

o   How much do you enjoy the task?

o   How much satisfaction do you get from the completed task?

o   How much acknowledgement do you get for doing the task?

o   How much acknowledgement do you want?

·         Can you make an adjustment for the tasks that got ratings of 1 or 2? If you don’t do the task, who could or would? If no one is interested or available, can you hire someone to do it? Is there money for it? Are there personal assistants/housekeepers/gardeners etc. available in your area? How could you save or make money elsewhere to enable you to have the work done?

·         Finally, review the tasks that other members of your household are doing. Are you interested in helping out or taking on any of those tasks? Does the other person want to give it up or receive help?

This is a place where stereotypes complicate matters. For example, I actually like working in the yard. Where I grew up in the Midwest, yard work is the man’s job. The women get to plant flowers and water them, but heavy lifting is the man’s job. This isn’t the work my husband naturally gravitates to, so things get rather jungle-like in our back yard. I keep thinking, “It’s his job,” while he isn’t thinking about it at all. I actually put off doing it because my internal guidance system insists it’s the man’s job. Then when I eventually take it on, I feel irritated because I keep thinking, “It’s his job!” even though I like doing it and I love the result. At the very least, I want acknowledgement and at best, I’d love company. But, do I say anything? Have I said anything in the nearly 30 years we’ve lived here? No and no. Actually, Jim will probably be surprised when he reads this article. But there you have it; my articles often come directly from something I need to address in my own life!

Let’s go for it. Have an honest, no-blame discussion of the division of labor in your house and see whether  attitudes, if not burdens, can be lifted. I’ll do the same.

©2007, Jacqueline Hale

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Bigger than I Dreamed Possible

July 26, 2007 by jacquie.

Sometimes dreams come true that you haven’t even dared to dream. That happened to me last week. I attended a leadership workshop with 60 other coaches. We were describing a quest—not THE quest, but some quest that was worthy of our attention and aligned with our life missions. I chose to explore informing women about how PMS symptoms and peri-menopausal difficulties can be a wakeup call to look more deeply at how they are living their lives. Since I’m really interested in that topic and get enthusiastic responses from women who want more information or just nod knowingly, I started developing a plan on how to deliver that information. During the last interaction on the last day, I partnered with a woman I knew well by reputation and slightly in reality.
Actually, I was surprised Linda was in this seminar because I hadn’t known she was a coach; only coaches were invited. I love the work she has done. She has raised the money to start two schools for girls in Tanzania and Kenya. I’ve supported her projects and others funded by Global Partners for Development (www.gpfd.org), and I was delighted to get the opportunity to know her better in this seminar. Suddenly, in the last minutes of the three day event, she asked me if I’d want to collaborate with her on a leadership program for the African girls and if I’d like to travel to Africa with her in January, 2008 to co-lead the program there.
This is bigger than a dream come true. I’ve always wanted to go to Africa! Always. I’ve loved the idea of sending these girls to school and I’ve even enlisted my friends to do little fund raisers to contribute to the very cause I was invited to facilitate. But in my wildest dreams, I never aspired to facilitate anything in that venue. I’ve taken a few days just to calm my breathing enough to think clearly about what I’ll have to do to accommodate this new project. I still don’t know, but I am certain to do what it takes to make it happen. Facilitating change in Africa and going on a safari! Could I ask for more?
I guess I could. I am asking myself how to make the money I’ll need for this trip. My travel expenses won’t be paid because the funds go to the programs. I’ve been giving some thought to that task, and right on cue, the Universe delivered a boost. I got two new clients on Friday which reassures me that more clients and book sales and ecoaching programs will bring in more income. Of course, I’ll borrow the money if that’s what it takes. I’ve always wanted to go to Africa, and having a purpose for going makes it all the more delicious!
I’d like to make some sort of coaching exercise out of this experience, but the only thing I can think of is to encourage you to keep developing your gifts and skills because you never know when your dream project will show up. Several of my friends have said, “You’ve been getting ready for this for a very long time!” I am grateful for my own perseverance!
©2007, Jacqueline Hale

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Easy, Peaceful Feeling

July 23, 2007 by jacquie.

Last weekend, we attended the California World Music Festival in Grass Valley. Three things were absolutely perfect. OK, there were probably more than three things, but I want to mention three in this article: fabulous music, perfect weather, and a gathering of people who respect each other.

I suppose the music is a given. Why wouldn’t a music festival have great music? What amazed me was the variety of the music and the accessibility. There were five performance venues and the one hour sets were staggered so that we could walk around and hear bits of each group. When we found one we liked, we just sat down and enjoyed it. The organization of sound equipment alone was incredible. Imagine switching over from an Afro-Caribbean group of eight who dance around to a Sikh group of six musicians who sit on the floor. The microphone placement alone would be a challenge and the stage crews switched over in 30 minutes, including the sound check!

The weather was notable in being wonderfully warm –and without bugs! We were in the pines of the Sierra foothills, which meant there was always shade somewhere near the music stage and usually a little breeze. Last year, when we discovered this wonderful event, the temperatures were over 100 degrees, so this year’s 85 degrees was a dream come true. And in the evening, for the five hours of rotating sets, it was cool enough for a long sleeved shirt without down parkas! And no mosquitoes.

What I really want to write about were the people. I’d guess there were a thousand people there, maybe more. The attendees ranged from aging hippies to young families, and we saw every conceivable example of tie-dyed clothing ever invented.  What was remarkable was the sense of ease. I think I’ve lived in an urban environment too long. It took me two days to realize that I was relaxed. People actually noticed if they might be blocking your view and asked if they should move their beach chair one direction or the other. Instead of irritated shifting from foot to foot, sigh to sigh while waiting at the food vendor’s booths, people started conversations and talked about their favorite curry or the jerk chicken across the way, and often said, “Don’t miss those amazing home-made ice cream drumsticks. They have either milk or dark chocolate and six varieties of ice cream!” What about that popcorn? Yum.

The most notable place to notice how people honored each other was the condition of the restrooms. I never saw an unflushed toilet, paper on the floor or hair in the sink. People passed new rolls of toilet paper under the door because they knew they had used the last sheet and didn’t want to leave the next inhabitant high and dry! Of course, the fairgrounds maintenance crew had something to do with this, but I’ve been to more events than I care to remember where the restrooms showed lack of concern for others. Here we were where people were camping for four days (or at least attending for 12 hours every day) and everyone was in community. The respect was so high that we could leave our belongings unattended and expect to find them there when we came back. Sigh. It felt like heaven.

To be honest, I had forgotten how that feels. I have become numb so that I can block out the rudeness and impatience of people. I have steeled myself so that I am not overrun by someone who is desperately trying to get the last piece or the best place. As I think about this, I realize there are a few other places I can relax, albeit on a smaller scale. Interestingly enough, one of them is a coffee house here in Berkeley that caters to the same crowd as the California World Music Fest . I’ll be going to Freight and Salvage on Friday to see Blame Sally, one of my favorite groups from the weekend! I am so thankful that I was immersed in that environment long enough to make me aware of that sense of community, and to remind me to look for other places where people honor and respect each other.

© 2007, Jacqueline Hale

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Fourth of July Journal

July 23, 2007 by jacquie.

On the afternoon of July 4, I sat on my deck, reading, and I got to thinking about 4th of July’s past. I grew up on a lake and the tradition was for all of my mom’s sisters and their families to gather in the early afternoon and eat typical midwestern food: hamburgers, potato salad, baked beans, and beer. There wasn’t corn-on –the-cob because it was only “knee high by the fourth of July.” We had a lot of fun at the lake, swimming just sitting around swatting mosquitoes and talking. A least I remember it as fun, until later I learned there were lots of undercurrents of bad memories and hard feelings, but I was oblivious back then.
As I remembered there on my deck, I felt sad and irritated. Sad because I was alone in Berkeley on the 4th of July and irritated about all the unspoken irritations and frustrations that my family didn’t face directly. How could they have all these things going on in the pressure cooker and never address them? What’s wrong with them?
When I still felt unsettled this morning, I began to write about it in my journal. I’m always amazed at how the truth comes out as I write in my journal, which is why I am always encouraging people to journal. You’ll be amazed at what you learn about yourself when you decide on a topic and just start writing – no editing.
In this case, I thought I was mad at my family for having a good time when there are lots of unresolved issues, but I ended up writing about how I miss those family events! My feeling disgruntled was really sour grapes! I miss seeing the people with whom I have generational ties and inside jokes. Maybe I wanted to be disgruntled because I am a very different person from that girl at the lake and I fall into old patterns and it’s hard to be authentic with them. Maybe my own charade is the reason why I don’t see much of my extended family.
As I thought about this, I realized that I really respect their efforts at friendliness and camaraderie and I honor their good intentions, which gives me even more appreciation for the fun of those family times. It sure would be wonderful  to revisit that lake and catch up with the Aunts. It can happen in my dreams!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you’ve been reading my articles for a long time, you know that I often add a coaching moment or a little exercise to illustrate how you could incorporate self awareness in your own life. Here goes:
1.       Journal. You’ll be surprised at what you learn about yourself!
2.       When you feel disgruntled, instead of thinking what’s wrong with them, look more deeply at your own feelings and you might discover something quite amazing!
Happy July!
©2007, Jacqueline Hale

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How Do You Know You’re on the Right Path?

July 23, 2007 by jacquie.

This is always a tricky question for people seeking to be engaged in their lives. How do you know when a goal you’ve set is the best goal for you?
  • Does it engage your passion?
  • Do you light up when you think or talk about it?
  • Do you have no or only few doubts about your ability to deliver, even when you haven’t any idea how you will go about it?
Answering “yes” to those questions is the starting place for knowing you’re on the right path. I’ve gotten this far a number of times in my life, but then I get stalled. At least, it feels that way. The ultimate indicator of being on purpose is when unexpected events make your path easier.
Last week, I had very good evidence that my decisions of late have been in the right direction. First of all, I decided to concentrate my efforts on writing. I’ve continued to write weekly articles and I’ve started research on my book about co-parenting. In addition to feeling good about and being productive with my writing, I’ve had a few unexpected doors open to me.
Many people offered to help with my co-parenting research and I’ve already started doing the interviews. I’ve had excellent feedback from many areas about the need for such a book. Then yesterday, I got a phone call from the great folks at www.selfgrowth.com offering me a featured writer position. This offer is amazing. It’s exactly what I need and is costing me very little. I had just said last week, that the place I’d really like to make a splash is at Self Growth. Suddenly the cosmic waitress delivers my dream!
This kind of unfolding is what tells me I made the right decision and I am moving in the right direction. I put in my order  to the Universe and the cosmic waitress delivered. I feel totally blessed. When the whole thing is set up and you can see all the benefits I’ve gotten at Self Growth, I’ll let you know. In the meanwhile, imagine me sitting at my keyboard, smiling and appreciative as I design my life.
While I’m here, I’ll imagine you are there, designing your life so that your dreams come true! I look forward to hearing from you.
© 2007, Jacqueline Hale

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Dealing with Disappointment

June 14, 2007 by jacquie.

The launch of Promise Power™ was disappointing. Elaine and I went to the eWomen Network Conference in Dallas with a wonderful product, the Promise Bracelet and a well-appointed booth at the Business Expo — and high hopes. What we learned was that Promise Power wasn’t ready for the big time — yet. Such challenges are always an opportunity to grow and learn. I think we are just beginning to learn from this experience, but I want to share what I already know.
The most important thing is how important it is to collaborate with integrity. Had we not trusted each other, this disappointment might have gotten to be an ugly blame game. Each of us identified the areas where we could have done better and acknowledged each other’s contribution to the scope and vision of what we were doing.
As I prepared for this launch, I learned many techie processes. My time was well spent and I have many resources available for whatever business directions we take, whether it’s Promise Power or my own business, Your Secret of Success.
I came home from the conference more subdued than usual. I needed to reassess what’s next. It seems impossible to know the best next choice, so I am letting it all percolate for awhile before deciding how I will proceed. What I do know is that I still love the coaching industry and I am still committed to helping people discover their own fantastic selves. Even though I technically could retire, I am not ready to stop what I love doing. I have many more words still in me and I am determined to share them with others with the commitment to being as inspired and inspiring as possible.
As much as I didn’t want to admit the truth in public, especially to you who have been reading my blog/articles so faithfully, I found that after only a few days, I no longer needed to hide. I’m ready to say, “OK. That didn’t work. What’s next?”
©2007, Jacqueline Hale

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Avoid Overwhelm

June 5, 2007 by jacquie.

My great friend and master proofreader is visiting for the weekend. As we were discussing our plans for today (Saturday), he asked if I was writing an article so he could proofread it before he leaves on his month-long trip to Italy. My first thought was, “I don’t write on Saturday, I write on Monday.”

Hmmm. Have I let routine take possession of me? My usual schedule is to write on Monday, send it off to be proofed on Tuesday, and publish on Thursday. I like the ebb and flow of my usual schedule because when I follow it, I feel grounded. It works unless I get sick or a Monday holiday interferes. Last week, both disruptions occurred.

Unfortunately, I’m still not totally recovered. For my juggling act, I can’t seem to keep more than one ball aloft at a time. Usually, I do many things at once. You could find me reading email, printing incoming information, installing and evaluating new software and, lately, attending teleseminars on the following topics:

·         Blogging

·         Podcasting

·         Virtual book tours

·         eBook marketing

·         Teleseminars

Not only am I learning about the technical aspects of these topics, I am figuring out how to incorporate them into my current business.

What happens when a multi-tasker dissolves into a uno-tasker? Mainly,  things don’t get done. I’m surprised that I’m not nagging myself about unfinished tasks or incomplete thoughts. One reason is that all of these classes are recorded so that I can just load them onto my iPod and voila! I have a portable class room.

That’s really the beauty of all these cutting-edge technologies I’ve been studying. The fallout from all these classes is that I’ve learned first-hand that it’s not a good idea to pile on too much information. Those five topics are being taught within the same time frame, often for many hours each week. They dovetail with each other, so I took them all because I felt that all five are important. However, I am overloaded, burdened down. All this new information coming at the same time is overwhelming and I often feel sucked into a whirlpool!

Here’s what I am taking away from this experience: when giving information, give it in small portions. Learning and change happen slowly. If I want my clients to incorporate new ideas and create new habits, I must consider how much time and energy they have to assimilate what I offer. I feel relieved by this awareness because I designed one of my latest books with consideration for the readers. Serenity Is an Inside Job takes about a half hour per week for a lesson and 10 to 20 minutes a day for reflection.

Want the $10 eBook or the $20 printed book (includes shipping)?
Go to www.serenitycoach.com/book_store.htm

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