January 17, 2008 by jacquie.

I’m in the midst of a moral dilemma. We’re leaving for Africa in two weeks and I’ve had a recurring, nagging thought from the very first time I entertained the idea of going to Africa. I’ve resisted a lifelong longing to go to Africa. I’ve wanted to see the wildlife, but more than that, I’ve wanted to get to know Africans, especially Africans living in villages. I want to see how people live a simpler life than I do. For years, Jim and I have sent money to East African partnership projects through Global Partners for Development (www.gpfd.org), and it’s knowledge I’ve gained from contributing through them that exacerbates my moral dilemma.

You see, I know that the price of this trip would provide many needed services for the African people. At the same time, I hear from everyone I’ve talked to who has taken this trip that I will be changed in Africa. Hmmm. Which is more important, my life being changed or providing clean water for hundreds of people, giving them better health and freeing them from daily, hours-long walks where lions roam? Which is more important, providing the materials needed for sustainable income or providing life-changing experiences for two people from Berkeley, California?

I’ve avoided going on one of these trips for years, and only agreed to go last summer when one of the leaders who has created scholarships for girls asked me to co-lead a project for girls who are finishing school and returning to their community to begin life as an adult. Here was an opportunity to give rather than gawk. And yet, the dilemma still nags me. I wonder, even at this late date, if the exchange is equitable. Will my life be changed enough to warrant spending so much money?

I don’t feel the exchange of value has to be exactly reciprocal. In other words, if being in Africa makes me a different person (and I assume “different” means better) I don’t necessarily have to apply the better me to East Africa. I am a citizen of the world and any way I can be a better person makes the world a better place.

Since my plans have continued to evolve, even after the unrest in Kenya, it looks like I trust myself in making this decision. Basically, I feel this is the right thing to do and I am trusting my instinct that the better me and my leadership with the girls will offset the money we will use for our trip. I am sorry we have had to cancel one of our workshops and are spending our entire trip in Tanzania rather than risk the turmoil in Kenya. Hearing of the hundreds of displaced people one of our partners is working with makes this an even more poignant question. Surely, you’ll hear more about this when we return in mid-February. In the meanwhile, hold well-being for all people in your hearts.

© 2008, Jacqueline Hale

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November 26, 2007 by jacquie.

Did you know you are a genius? You are, naturally. Each of us has a specialized talent for something. This reminds me of a conversation I had with a woman who was lamenting that there was nothing special about her. This 30-year-old woman told me she asked her mother if she had any special talents and her mother replied, “You’ve always been good at coloring!” She was very disappointed until I asked her if she was good at staying inside the lines or maybe even an expert at choosing colors. Those questions got her exploring her Natural Genius and she realized that she was actually fabulous at choosing colors. Thank you to the moms around the world who sometimes unwittingly give us gems!

Here’s some help to identify one of your most precious assets:

·         What is it that you do in nearly every situation?

·         What do you do whether you are paid to do it or not?

·         You do it without thinking or planning.

·         You might do it even if you are asked not to do it.

·         What do friends and family ask you to do “because you are so good at it”?

Your genius is the thing you do naturally. It might be an activity such as organizing things, or it might be knowing what is true or it might be examining chaos to discover a different solution. Take a look at that last criterion because that is often the way people identify their natural genius—other people identify it for them. If you’d like some help with this exploration, you might sign up for my email coaching program at www.yoursecretofsuccess.com/serenity_info.htm. This is a program packed full of useful exercises at a price far less than a month of in-person coaching.

The real trick about Natural Genius is to have a career that utilizes it. That way you know you’ll be very satisfied most of the time. However, be aware that you’ll be grumpy if you don’t get to do it! If your Natural Genius is doesn’t lend itself to a career opportunity, be sure that your pastimes give you a lot of room to utilize it. There’s nothing more frustrating than an unexpressed urge, and your Natural Genius is always urging you.

My Natural Genius is Creating Wholeness. When I see a bunch of things or tasks, I naturally want to organize them into a cohesive something. You might have noticed that when I write these articles, I usually take some event in my life and create a coaching lesson out of it. I’m always trying to make purpose and meaning out of what I encounter. Sometimes this drives my husband and daughters crazy because they might rather have their lives in some disarray and not have me suggest some organizational thing that creates what I think is cool. Actually, as a coach I have to suppress this instinct a bit because coaches don’t tell their clients what to do. But I am totally grateful for this gift because I can always see at least one possibility for a client and help them discover other possibilities for themselves. No dilemma ever seems hopeless.

One of my favorite reactions is when someone discovers their Natural Genius and says, “Doesn’t everyone do this?” It feels so natural that we think everyone has the same gift, when, in fact, very few people have the same Natural Genius. I’d love to have readers post their Natural Genius as a comment to this article. Thanks.

© 2007, Jacqueline Hale

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November 26, 2007 by jacquie.

Isn’t that fun? Be happy, have better health. I got this idea straight from Dr. Christiane Northrup, MD, who is my favorite authority on women’s health. She appeared on Oprah a few weeks ago and talked about how emotional issues affect health. She spoke eloquently on the topic of women needing to take care of themselves first! I know that sounds selfish, but the best thing you can do for your family is take care of you.

One of the guests on the show was angry with the world. Dr. Northrup described how this symptom reveals itself in perimenopausal women (often beginning in a woman’s mid-thirties) because they are giving everything they have to everyone except themselves. The doctor’s prescription was to discover five things that are fun for you and make sure that happiness has an active presence in your life.

Since cellular inflammation is inversely reciprocal to happiness, the more fun you have the better your health! Interesting. I inadvertently did an experiment on myself after watching that show. I was fascinated by what the five things would be for me. At first I couldn’t think of anything. That’s odd for me, but lately my generally rosy outlook has been a bit gloomy.

For the past few months, some interpersonal stuff within our community of friends has upset both Jim and me. I haven’t written much about my frustration and anger because some in this close-knit community read my articles. However, the unrest has taken its toll with me. I’ve been grumpy, I’ve not been sleeping well , and I’ve been making less than wonderful choices about food and drink, which has added an unwanted 10 pounds to my already overweight body. Most important, I’ve felt spiritually disconnected and unwell.

Yesterday, I took Dr. Northrup’s suggestion to heart – thankfully, I could still recognize a good idea when it showed up. I started exploring the corners of my heart where pleasure hangs out. The first thing I came up with was dogs. Oh yes, dogs make me happy. Just thinking about dogs gave me hope. Over the next few hours I completed my list of five:

1.       Dogs, especially big dogs

2.       Snow, walking in it, playing in it, even shoveling it

3.       Writing about almost anything

4.       Buying and preparing food

5.       Nature, particularly trees and moving water

Perusing my list continued while I slept. I dreamed of walking Charlie in the snow. I’ve often noted that I like snow so much that even rain makes me happy because if it’s raining here in Berkeley, it’s likely to be snowing in the mountains. This is why our house in the mountains is so important to me – it fulfills all five of these categories in one place.

I awoke this morning more refreshed than I’ve been for months. I can almost feel my cells giving a big sigh of relief. Maybe those sighs are blowing out the flame of inflammation!

© 2007, Jacqueline Hale

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November 26, 2007 by jacquie.

Several weeks ago, I decided to get out of the internet marketing business. The work had possessed me. I was giving it my full time attention and getting almost zero response. After nearly a year of untangling the multitude of messages from internet marketing gurus, I was left confused, overburdened, and frustrated. I was spending money and working too many hours; and while I had created webpages, blogs, and articles, I wasn’t seeing the money. Finally, I decided that developing an internet empire wasn’t the way I wanted to spend my time.

Here’s the dilemma. Am I retiring? I’m certainly of retirement age, so maybe I am retiring. We have retirement income, so it’s feasible to retire if I stop spending money on internet marketing. I didn’t feel ready to retire, after all, I still love coaching and writing these articles. I thought I’d try on the retirement idea, and for the past month I have not done any internet marketing. I have been busy with things I really like. I made a quilt, I knitted two hats and three scarves, I peeled and prepared bushels of apples from my daughter’s tree, I read several books, and I worked on projects around the house and garden. Isn’t that what retirement is all about?

I loved all that activity, but I started to feel … what? Was it empty? Was it old? Was it purposeless? Was it all those things? Whatever it was, it didn’t feel great because I began having this heavy sense of missing the boat. Where’s the meaning in life if I have gifts to give and don’t give them? Quilts and scarves and apple pies are fine gifts, but I’m not done giving what has heart and meaning for me. As I’ve sat with that feeling and the question about definition of heart and meaning, I came back to one of my favorite activities – being with people who are sitting around the table sharing their stories and their troubles with people who have time and the inclination to listen and support. That often happens when friends and acquaintances join us at our house in the mountains. It also happens when people get together to work on a project.

Having thought that thought, I came up with this plan: to coach whatever clients come my way, to write articles, and to hold monthly retreats at our house in the mountains. I’ve done retreats there before, but they were structured as workshops. What I have in mind is more rejuvenation and less personal work. What I have in mind is low key, only three or four people. We might spend an hour each talking about what’s working and what needs help in our lives with a little brainstorming. The rest of the time we can go for walks or hikes in glorious Yosemite, or sit by the fire and read or whatever makes us feel better about life at the end of the weekend. I think it’s a good idea and I’m coming out of retirement to try it out!

Ah, six weeks of retirement. That was perfect. I think some people would have called it a sabbatical, but since I’m self-employed, that term didn’t occur to me until just now when I typed it. Let me know if the retreat idea appeals to you. Even if you can’t come to California to attend, it would be great to hear your thoughts on the idea.

©2007, Jacqueline Hale

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October 12, 2007 by jacquie.

Back when I was a kid, we lived on a lake where we often wrestled on a big inner tube. We’d try to stand on it, with little success or we’d play King of the Mountain. Such activities mean falling into the water—a lot. It was fun. We were kids. We had unlimited energy. Some fifty years later, energy is considerably more limited. How many times do I fall in the water before I realize that I’m just too tired to keep climbing back on that unstable surface, regardless of how much I enjoy the splashing around? When do I recognize that I’m too tired to try again?

Of course, I’m not talking about inner tubes, but possibly I am talking about playing King of the Mountain. I’m talking about the desire to accomplish something, only to experience more splashing than success. When is it sensible to stop trying? When does one simply stop? Surely when you are out of energy, you stop, but maybe it’s wise to stop sooner.

Jim and I have been facing financial reality ever since Jim retired last December. We have a good plan and the resources to live our current lifestyle until we’re 100. One hundred seems like a comfortable cushion. Basically, our plan is working – with one exception. Marketing expenses are playing havoc with our ability to live within our monthly money allotment. In a follow-up meeting with our financial planner, we recognized that if we just stopped spending money on marketing, we’d be in fat city!

Jim markets his music group and I market my coaching business. We know that you often have to spend money to make money. The question we’re asking right now is this: when do we stop marketing and just live with what we’ve got? What does stopping marketing mean in the grand scheme of things? Here are a few questions we’re asking ourselves about what we’re marketing:

• Is it fun right now?
• Is it likely to be fun in the future?
• Who would be affected if I eased myself out of what I’ve been doing? How?
• If my every dream came true about what I am marketing, would I be happier than I am now?
• Would individuals be different? Would the world be different?
• If I didn’t have these commitments, what might I accomplish instead?

You know, those questions are rather enlightening. I think they are good to ask about any project I engage in, whether it’s marketing my coaching business or weeding the garden. The most intriguing question for me is the last one. What might I accomplish if I put my energy somewhere else? I believe it’s always good to evaluate the direction I am going. It’s time to stop when what I’m doing isn’t what I want to be doing. It’s always good to ask.

©2007, Jacqueline Hale

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September 17, 2007 by jacquie.

This article is for women of a certain age and the men who interact with them. When I became a guide for Women’s Issues for Self Growth, I realized I had a lot to say about things that concern women, particularly as a voice of hope. I’ve learned that menopause is something to look forward to, and that the symptoms of PMS and peri-menopause can be your best friend because they will guide you to find your best life! Pretty outrageous, isn’t it?

Before I justify that last statement, let me talk about being hot and bothered. Twenty years ago, I was in a conference with my bosses and the owners of the company where I was the Manager of Instructional Design. I was mad. I was furious! I was told to instruct the writers who worked for me that they must be in the office by 9AM. Period.

It wasn’t that simple. One writer had a daughter who needed to get to school at 9 and the other was a night owl who wasn’t functional until noon. I couldn’t make my boss understand that we would lose a great writer and decrease productivity by being so arbitrary. I was totally ineffectual in my argument and that made my fatal flaw kick in—I don’t deal well with authority figures.

There I sat all buttoned up in my business suit, looking quite professional and play acting like I knew what I was doing! Mostly what I felt was sweat accumulating in pools that burst through my starched blouse in great blotches. All I really could think of was wanting to get out of that office before I ripped my clothes off from the heat.

Hot flashes are triggered by many things; anger was the top cause for me, and for many women. When I looked at what was going on, I realized that I couldn’t stay in that managerial position and have any stability emotionally. I wasn’t cut out to be a manager, at least not under someone who has little common sense. I didn’t think about the ultimate result at the time, but when I quit that job, my hot flashes ended. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Notice what I wrote I was thinking at the end of the last paragraph. It’s amazing how often expressions about symptoms can indicate the exact remedy needed. In this case, I needed to get out of the office – permanently.

In the years since, I have come to believe that the symptoms of PMS and peri-menopause are really a wakeup call to look more closely at your life. I first became aware of this idea from Dr. Christiane Northrup, MD who writes and speaks eloquently on women’s health and particularly the role of hormones and their effects on all aspects of our health: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. When I decided to look more deeply at what I wanted in my life, and walked away from the pressure cooker I was in, I found the perfect career. I became a free-lance technical writer. I got to be creative, I only had to manage myself, I worked at home, and I generally slipped in and out of companies without much interaction with authority figures. My challenge with authority figures is the topic for other articles, but believe me, it kept appearing until I dealt with it. At least I hope I’ve dealt with it!

Eventually, I had a few more insights about hot flashes. I never really had an all-out, blast-from-hell again, but I did notice something very useful. Again, this is confirmed by Christiane Northrup. When I felt a heat surge, I’d pay attention to my intuition and invariably I would discover an amazing insight. Usually this would happen when I was doing acupressure or coaching someone. (Yes, yes. I’ve had a variety of careers!) Dr. Northrup contents that as your estrogen decreases, your intuition increases. Now there’s a hopeful result of menopause and the reason we are called Wise Women!

Even now, when I feel unexpectedly warm, I think, “Incoming!” and sure enough, an insightful message arrives. When I check it out with my client, it is almost always right on the mark and he or she is amazed. I am forever grateful for this gift and I am delighted to share it with you!

(c) 2007, Jacqueline Hale

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September 7, 2007 by jacquie.

Almost 30 years ago, I decided to leave my husband of 14 years and discover who I was in the bigger world. Since I was aware of the tremendous upheaval my decision caused my daughters, I promised them that I would be an extraordinary role model of a woman. I realized that I had to have a damn good reason to make such a horrendous change in all of our lives, and being an extraordinary woman seemed to have the appropriate magnitude. Of course, Penny and Kelly didn’t hear this silent promise, for indeed, it was a promise to me! It is a promise I’ve kept.

Being an extraordinary woman is filled with awesome responsibility – the ability to respond to whatever I encounter. I needed to know who I am and what I value and then take a stand to live my life with integrity. What a tremendous learning process! I learned about self esteem and generosity. I learned about commitment and completion. And since I made mistakes along the way, I learned humility and forgiveness. It has been a remarkable journey.

I don’t like to think what would have happened if I had not kept that promise. I am certain I wouldn’t have the sense of contentment and fulfillment I have now. I know that promise is the most important promise I’ve ever made, and the striving to keep that promise created the environment for my daughters and me to have extraordinary relationships. Keeping that promise has set the course of my life and I am delighted to be now here rather than to be no where.

©2007, Jacqueline Hale

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September 7, 2007 by jacquie.

Who does the keeping of your house? If you are a woman, most likely you do. Of course, if you live alone, whether male or female, you’re it, bummer! Women who share their living space with a man tend to take on most, if not all of the responsibility for caring for the house.

I’ve coached hundreds of women, and I can think of only one whose husband takes on the lion’s share of the tasks of cleaning, laundry, and shopping for and preparing food. Many women accept the responsibility for it all, and maybe even take on the yard and car maintenance, even though their work day is as long and arduous as the male’s in the household. For many women, the “job” is the care and nurture of children, which has greater responsibility and stress than many CEOs experience day-to-day. For some societal reason, the mom who stays at home is expected to keep the house—all of it! And the working mom—oh my goodness, she never gets to sleep unless her husband/partner pitches in!

How did we women end up responsible for the upkeep of the house? Probably even the cave woman got fed up with bat guano in the sleeping area long before her caveman husband even noticed it. Yup. That’s how we got ourselves into this mess. The person who cares the most does the job. That’s the default. When company is coming, I’m the one who notices the scum in the bathroom sink, so I’m the one who does the quick swipe of all the bathroom fixtures, which makes me happy and doesn’t freak out our guests.

That’s how it goes. The guy gets the car details and yard duty and the gal gets everything else. Is it fair? Maybe, maybe not. It means that meals must be planned and prepped every day. That’s a constant, sometimes burdensome, responsibility. That can be a big obligation, especially in families where eating habits are quite diverse. On the flip side, though, in snowy areas, it’s the guy who gets to wrestle with shovels and blowers and puts himself in harm’s way, heart attack-wise.

Whatever the division of labor, it is what it is. The question is this: how long has it been since the members of your household had a friendly discussion about who does what and how they feel about it? Here are some things to consider:

·         What needs to be done? Make a list, including the occasional or once-a-season tasks.

·         Who is responsible for each task? (You may find that no one is responsible which is why those old cans of paint never get recycled to the toxic dump!)

·         How does the task mistress or master feel about the task? Rate each one on a scale of 1 to 4.

o   How much do you enjoy the task?

o   How much satisfaction do you get from the completed task?

o   How much acknowledgement do you get for doing the task?

o   How much acknowledgement do you want?

·         Can you make an adjustment for the tasks that got ratings of 1 or 2? If you don’t do the task, who could or would? If no one is interested or available, can you hire someone to do it? Is there money for it? Are there personal assistants/housekeepers/gardeners etc. available in your area? How could you save or make money elsewhere to enable you to have the work done?

·         Finally, review the tasks that other members of your household are doing. Are you interested in helping out or taking on any of those tasks? Does the other person want to give it up or receive help?

This is a place where stereotypes complicate matters. For example, I actually like working in the yard. Where I grew up in the Midwest, yard work is the man’s job. The women get to plant flowers and water them, but heavy lifting is the man’s job. This isn’t the work my husband naturally gravitates to, so things get rather jungle-like in our back yard. I keep thinking, “It’s his job,” while he isn’t thinking about it at all. I actually put off doing it because my internal guidance system insists it’s the man’s job. Then when I eventually take it on, I feel irritated because I keep thinking, “It’s his job!” even though I like doing it and I love the result. At the very least, I want acknowledgement and at best, I’d love company. But, do I say anything? Have I said anything in the nearly 30 years we’ve lived here? No and no. Actually, Jim will probably be surprised when he reads this article. But there you have it; my articles often come directly from something I need to address in my own life!

Let’s go for it. Have an honest, no-blame discussion of the division of labor in your house and see whether  attitudes, if not burdens, can be lifted. I’ll do the same.

©2007, Jacqueline Hale

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July 26, 2007 by jacquie.

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July 23, 2007 by jacquie.

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