September 7, 2007 by jacquie.

Almost 30 years ago, I decided to leave my husband of 14 years and discover who I was in the bigger world. Since I was aware of the tremendous upheaval my decision caused my daughters, I promised them that I would be an extraordinary role model of a woman. I realized that I had to have a damn good reason to make such a horrendous change in all of our lives, and being an extraordinary woman seemed to have the appropriate magnitude. Of course, Penny and Kelly didn’t hear this silent promise, for indeed, it was a promise to me! It is a promise I’ve kept.

Being an extraordinary woman is filled with awesome responsibility – the ability to respond to whatever I encounter. I needed to know who I am and what I value and then take a stand to live my life with integrity. What a tremendous learning process! I learned about self esteem and generosity. I learned about commitment and completion. And since I made mistakes along the way, I learned humility and forgiveness. It has been a remarkable journey.

I don’t like to think what would have happened if I had not kept that promise. I am certain I wouldn’t have the sense of contentment and fulfillment I have now. I know that promise is the most important promise I’ve ever made, and the striving to keep that promise created the environment for my daughters and me to have extraordinary relationships. Keeping that promise has set the course of my life and I am delighted to be now here rather than to be no where.

©2007, Jacqueline Hale

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September 7, 2007 by jacquie.

Who does the keeping of your house? If you are a woman, most likely you do. Of course, if you live alone, whether male or female, you’re it, bummer! Women who share their living space with a man tend to take on most, if not all of the responsibility for caring for the house.

I’ve coached hundreds of women, and I can think of only one whose husband takes on the lion’s share of the tasks of cleaning, laundry, and shopping for and preparing food. Many women accept the responsibility for it all, and maybe even take on the yard and car maintenance, even though their work day is as long and arduous as the male’s in the household. For many women, the “job” is the care and nurture of children, which has greater responsibility and stress than many CEOs experience day-to-day. For some societal reason, the mom who stays at home is expected to keep the house—all of it! And the working mom—oh my goodness, she never gets to sleep unless her husband/partner pitches in!

How did we women end up responsible for the upkeep of the house? Probably even the cave woman got fed up with bat guano in the sleeping area long before her caveman husband even noticed it. Yup. That’s how we got ourselves into this mess. The person who cares the most does the job. That’s the default. When company is coming, I’m the one who notices the scum in the bathroom sink, so I’m the one who does the quick swipe of all the bathroom fixtures, which makes me happy and doesn’t freak out our guests.

That’s how it goes. The guy gets the car details and yard duty and the gal gets everything else. Is it fair? Maybe, maybe not. It means that meals must be planned and prepped every day. That’s a constant, sometimes burdensome, responsibility. That can be a big obligation, especially in families where eating habits are quite diverse. On the flip side, though, in snowy areas, it’s the guy who gets to wrestle with shovels and blowers and puts himself in harm’s way, heart attack-wise.

Whatever the division of labor, it is what it is. The question is this: how long has it been since the members of your household had a friendly discussion about who does what and how they feel about it? Here are some things to consider:

·         What needs to be done? Make a list, including the occasional or once-a-season tasks.

·         Who is responsible for each task? (You may find that no one is responsible which is why those old cans of paint never get recycled to the toxic dump!)

·         How does the task mistress or master feel about the task? Rate each one on a scale of 1 to 4.

o   How much do you enjoy the task?

o   How much satisfaction do you get from the completed task?

o   How much acknowledgement do you get for doing the task?

o   How much acknowledgement do you want?

·         Can you make an adjustment for the tasks that got ratings of 1 or 2? If you don’t do the task, who could or would? If no one is interested or available, can you hire someone to do it? Is there money for it? Are there personal assistants/housekeepers/gardeners etc. available in your area? How could you save or make money elsewhere to enable you to have the work done?

·         Finally, review the tasks that other members of your household are doing. Are you interested in helping out or taking on any of those tasks? Does the other person want to give it up or receive help?

This is a place where stereotypes complicate matters. For example, I actually like working in the yard. Where I grew up in the Midwest, yard work is the man’s job. The women get to plant flowers and water them, but heavy lifting is the man’s job. This isn’t the work my husband naturally gravitates to, so things get rather jungle-like in our back yard. I keep thinking, “It’s his job,” while he isn’t thinking about it at all. I actually put off doing it because my internal guidance system insists it’s the man’s job. Then when I eventually take it on, I feel irritated because I keep thinking, “It’s his job!” even though I like doing it and I love the result. At the very least, I want acknowledgement and at best, I’d love company. But, do I say anything? Have I said anything in the nearly 30 years we’ve lived here? No and no. Actually, Jim will probably be surprised when he reads this article. But there you have it; my articles often come directly from something I need to address in my own life!

Let’s go for it. Have an honest, no-blame discussion of the division of labor in your house and see whether  attitudes, if not burdens, can be lifted. I’ll do the same.

©2007, Jacqueline Hale

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